Birth Issues Journal > Reviews

WHEN A BABY DIES - THE EXPERIENCE OF LATE MISCARRIAGE, STILLBIRTH AND NEONATAL DEATH.
Nancy Kohner and Alix Henley

Review by Rachel Kennedy

The death of your own baby either before or soon after birth is a harrowing and lonely experience. You feel that you are the only person to have ever felt the deep pain and grief that the death of your dearly loved and wanted baby brings. It is a nightmare that you never wake from - and yet life and the world around you continue on, as the sun rises and sets on another day.

Nancy Kohner and Alix Henley's revised edition of "When a baby dies" puts so sympathetically into words the grief parents feel when their baby dies. Often it is the parents themselves that are heard, expressing their own personal feelings and reactions to their baby's death. The authors have drawn on many letters and interviews of parents. There is a flow between the bereaved parents' voices and the professional counsellor's explanation and advice on grief and grief reactions. As a parent whose baby has died, I found that I could relate to many parents as they described their own personal experience. Mary L describes coming to terms with the death of her twins in utero as "the most unbearable torture" (p22), and the authors describe the "overwhelming" nature of grief. How true it is. I would often find myself thinking as I read this book - "that is how I feel" and yet I had been unable to express myself in those terms up until that point. Reading this book helped to unlock some of those emotions that I had been unable to express.

The chapter on grief and grieving is an in-depth discussion on how grief feels, ways to express grief, understanding the death, finding support and counselling services as necessary, and the importance of time and working through and with grief in order for the pain to ease. There is an excellent illustration of how men and women may grieve differently, on the cultural aspect of grief and how this can place such huge strain on the relationship between the mother and the father. There is also an important discussion about surviving siblings and how to help them to deal with their grief whilst you are also dealing with your own.

Two chapters cover the feelings that arise when another pregnancy occurs and another baby is born into the family. Throughout these sections the authors promote the important need for sensitive and sympathetic care of the parents and family by professional caregivers. The authors highlight the need for parents to re-assert "some control over their lives" (p110). There are so many things that are out of our control when our baby dies. Regaining some semblance of control helps us to feel that we can do something towards healing our grieving hearts.

Importantly, this book is not just for parents. While a large appendix is dedicated to concise medical explanations, which is directed towards parents and lay people, this is definitely also a text for all professionals who work in the field of pregnancy, birth and the care of the newborn infant. It illuminates for the health care professionals the intense and sensitive care that all bereaved parents and families require, whether their baby dies before a "viable age" (miscarriage is defined in this text as less then 24 weeks gestation), around the time of birth or in the neonatal period. Chapter 3, "Experiences in Hospital", has key points for caregivers (Guidance for professional caregivers) and Appendix 2 is dedicated to the "Principles of good practice".

The "Useful addresses" at the back of the book are largely UK based in this English publication, although there are some contacts for SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society, co-producers of the book) in Australia and New Zealand, and similar organisations in the USA. Many of the organisations listed have internet addresses.

"When a baby dies" is essential reading for all health and professional caregivers in the field of pregnancy, birth and the care of the newborn. Equally and importantly, it is thought provoking reading for the bereaved parent, who may take some time to have the courage and emotional energy to read this book. Time is part of the grieving process and coming to terms with our own personal loss will take time. This book will go some of the way towards helping us realise we are not alone in our grief.

Rachel Kennedy
Melbourne